THE SEED

An Ancient Tale of Honesty

In the Far East the emperor was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided to do something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day. He said, ""It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The children were shocked, but the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today--one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor."

One boy, named Ling, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it, carefully. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Ling didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by--still nothing in Ling's pot.

He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow. A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But his mother asked him to be honest about what happened.

Ling felt sick at his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other children laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey, nice try."

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. He thought, "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!"

Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds that would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. 

 Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.

So, be careful what you plant now;
it will determine what you will reap tomorrow

The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better for you or for the ones who will come after you. Someday you will enjoy the fruits or you will pay for the choices you make.

"Whatever You Give To Life, Life Gives You Back"

Two thousand years ago someone else told the same story with fewer words, "What you sow, so shall you reap". If you know who said this, nothing else needs to be said.

GIVE TIME TO OUR FAMILY

A man's experience 

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

LONG DISTANCE PARENTING

Staying in Touch When Miles
Separate You and Your Children

 

Long distance parenting is one of the most difficult challenges facing divorced parents and their children. And yet, it is a very real experience for countless numbers of divorced families. We live in a mobile society. It is estimated that in North America the average family changes residences every five years. And many families move even more frequently. When parents are together, moving their family isn't usually seen as a problem. The problem occurs when parents are divorced and one parent is required to become a long distant parent.

Why Do Parents Relocate?

Long distance parenting occurs for a variety of reasons. Among them are the following:

       A new job or business opportunity

       A better job

       A current job transfer or promotion

       Marriage or relationship with someone living in another location

       Employment opportunity for a new partner

       Moving close to family for support

       To get away from a former spouse

Long Distance Parenting and Your Child

While all of the reasons listed above for initiating a move away from one parent may be at the very least valid and in many cases necessary, it is important for parents contemplating a relocation to also understand that there are consequences for their children. Children rely on their parents to make good decisions on their behalf. And they have no choice but to abide by those same decisions.

When one parent initiates a relocation that relegates the other parent to being a long distance parent, children also become long distance children. The relationship they have with their distant parent will very likely change. Here are some of the things your children may experience with a long distance parenting situation:

      The parent-child relationship becomes more formal. Times together must be scheduled in advance and leave little opportunity for spontaneous moments of closeness that often occur in otherwise mundane day-to-day activities. For example, there are fewer opportunities for those heart-to-heart talks that happen on the drive home from an activity or while working on a project together. Spontaneity isn't so easy accomplished for the long distance parent.

      Children lose out on having both parents in their cheering section - attending their events, checking in with school and homework, and generally knowing the details of their lives on a daily basis. This is a huge loss for kids.

      Children lose the balance that having two parents provides. It is well documented that fathers and mothers provide different perspectives and experiences for their children. Both perspectives are valuable and necessary for children to thrive. When one parent becomes a long distance parent, he/she tends to have less influence on how their child is raised.

      Children frequently lose contact with the long distance parent's extended family, which for children is yet another significant loss.

      Children typically have to travel to spend time with their long distance parent. They rack up hundreds of hours of travel time either on the road or in the air. This takes them away from their friends and daily routines. It also means that they may not be able to fully participate in sports or other extracurricular activities that occur on a weekly basis. And it makes seeing the other parent a BIG DEAL, instead of a regular part of the daily round.

      Some children feel abandoned by the parent who is not with them. Others blame themselves that a parent is not there. And others feel responsible and guilty for abandoning a parent by moving away. None of these are healthy reactions for children and may have far-reaching consequences for their adjustment and mental health.

     
Making Long Distance Parenting Work

If, after considering all of the alternatives, there is no choice but to initiate a move, then both parents must work to ensure that the relationship between the parent at a distance and their child continues. This is no easy task. It requires focus, integrity, compassion and a commitment to the parent-child relationship. And frankly, sometimes after a divorce those attributes are in short supply. But as you keep your focus squarely placed on your children and what they need in order to thrive, it becomes easier to take the actions that will meet their needs.

Communication is Key

When parents are living in the same household, communication is relatively easy. And even if the communication isn't great, proximity helps. If you see your kids every day you know when they are sick, if they got a haircut or a body part pierced! You know how school is going, who their friends are, what they like to do in spare time etc. Proximity also helps parents communicate with each other. One parent may be in charge of handling more of the details of raising the kids, but one way or another they communicate necessary information like school conferences, sports details, concerts and programs and the like. (Yes, I know that there are some families where one parent doesn't know these things, in fact doesn't even have a clue, but in my experience this is the exception rather than the rule.)

When parents divorce, this automatic communication about daily life changes. Sometimes it ends. If parents are hurt, angry or just not interested in communicating, the parent who lives away from the kids misses out on a lot of information.

And when one parent is a long distance parent, the flow of information about kids trickles down to almost nothing - unless both adults make it a point to communicate on a regular basis. 

Communication Tips for Long Distance Parents

As the long distance parent, you must work to maintain your relationship with your child. You may feel angry that this task falls on your shoulders since you may not have initiated the move in the first place. It's easy to feel like a victim and spend your energy blaming. But I don't advise it! Instead, take heart, because being a long distance parent does not mean that you will automatically disappear from your child's life. It just requires some creativity and cooperation to pull it off successfully. Here are a few tips to help.

       Remain interested and involved in your child's life. Make it a point to know the names of the adults who interact with your child: teachers, coaches, scout leaders, other parents, neighbors etc. Similarly, know the names of your child's closest friends. Take an interest in homework (this can often be viewed online), and other activities that interest your child.

       Remember that as the adult and thus it is your responsibility to initiate contact with your child. Don't sit passively by, waiting for you child to call you or send an e-mail. You take the lead! And on the same subject, try not to take it personally if your child doesn't call you right back or only stays on the phone for a few minutes. This is pretty normal for kids and usually has nothing to do with you.

       Initiate a regular schedule for contact and follow it faithfully. If you say you're going to call, call. If you are going to send an e-mail, do it. Keep your word. All relationships are built on trust and predictability. Your child needs to be able to count on you following through. In marketing there is a phrase called "top of mind awareness" or TOMA. As a long distance parent you want to take the kind of communication steps that give you top of mind awareness with your child. That means regular, predictable, positive contact.

       When talking with your child, try to avoid asking questions that will yield yes, no or one-word answers. They can be pretty frustrating for a parent, not to mention very short! For example, instead of asking "Did you have fun at school today?" which is likely to get you a yes or no and then silence, ask "What was your favorite activity at school today?" At least now, you're likely to get some information. And if you know the projects your child is working on, or the homework he has, you can tailor your questions. For example, "What did your teacher think of your report on France?"

       Never use your communication time with your child to grill her about the other parent and things that are going on in the other household. Keep your child out of the middle.

       Think beyond the telephone when it comes to connecting with your child. If your child is old enough to have access to a computer, get an e-mail relationship going. You can send cards, exchange photos and forward information that will be of interest to your child as well as just say hi. Consider adding web-cam visits to your tool box of communication. While virtual visitation will never take the place of face-to-face time, it's great to be able to see your child and have a "real time" conversation. Of course you will need to coordinate this with the other parent.

       In this age of high-tech communication, don't forget about good old fashioned snail mail. Kids love to receive mail. Send cards, letters, postcards and an occasional "care package." Nothing beats the thrill of opening mail that was sent just for you.

       Connect around a theme. For instance, watch the same television program and then talk or e-mail afterward. Share a passion for a sports team, read the same book and then discuss it, play chess or other games by mail or online.

       Maintain a positive attitude with your child. If you feel the need to encourage better grades or improved behavior, make sure you balance those comments with positive ones. Try for a ratio of 5 good comments to 1 "do better" comment. The simple truth is that kids are no different than adults. None of us wants to hear how bad we are or what a poor job we are doing.

       Stay in contact with your child's other parent and respect their house rules. Clear things with the other parent before mentioning them to your child.

Tips for the Other Parent

Since your child is living with you, it becomes your responsibility to support the relationship between your child and her long distance parent. You don't have to do all of the work - just your 50%. The other 50% belongs to the long distance parent. Here are some suggestions that will help you in your important role.

       Never badmouth the other parent to your child -even if you are unhappy with something he or she has said or done. Tell the other parent, not your child. You can subtly (or sometimes not so subtly) influence the success or failure of your child's relationship with the long distance parent. Make sure your motives are honorable. Your kids need that from you.

       Support the long distance parent's attempts to stay in touch with your child. For example, see that your child is available for a telephone call if one is scheduled. Or set up an e-mail account for your child so that he can have a way to be in touch with the other parent. Make time for virtual visits and give your child privacy and space to spend time with the other parent. See to it that all mail from the other parent is given promptly to your child. Support plans to read the same book or watch a program on television. Offer your own suggestions about other possibilities for joint communication.

       Share information with the long distance parent. Make it easy for them to get information from school, physicians, coaches etc. Consider investing in one of the online programs that have been developed for divorced parents. A great one is Our Family Wizard at www.ourfamilywizard.com. With it you can provide information about your child that the other parent can access day or night, and vice-versa. There is even a way for kids to add information, with password protection for other areas so that they don't see everything. Parents who have information tend to be more involved and feel more connected to their children.

       Help keep the other parent "alive" for your child. Give your child a photograph of the other parent and display it in your child's bedroom. Allow your child to talk about the other parent. I once worked with a family where the children were not allowed to say the word "dad" in front of their mother. Yikes!! That was really hard on them. Follow Thumper's rule - "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

       Keep your word about parenting time and follow the parenting plan agreements you've made. Do your part to handle travel arrangements and getting your children ready to transition to the other parent. Let your children know that you want them to spend time with their other parent. Take all burdens off of your children as they travel to see the other parent. Make it easy and positive.

With a little planning and cooperation, long distance parenting doesn't have to be the end of the world of parenting. Stay positive and above all else, show up for your child.

 

SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Don't leave the success of your marriage to fate; read Susan Quilliam's wise words on getting the balance right once and for all?

However happy you are before the ceremony, there's something about getting married that can rock the boat. Most couples wobble on honeymoon. Many find that once back home, things aren't going as well as they did before the ceremony. A staggering one in two marriages are also set to fail.

So whether you're a blushing bride or forty years down the road, how can you make your marriage work? The answer is to look at what effective couples do and apply their secrets to your relationship.

Secret 1: Successful Married Couples get their deal straight

Marriage is different from living together. It's not necessarily better, but it's different. Both of you will have different expectations of a 'spouse' than of a 'partner' - often basing those expectations on what you saw of your parents' married life. For example, you may have been happy for your man to live the student life before the wedding, but afterwards, you expect him to draw a regular salary.

Successful couples talk deeply before the wedding about their expectations of each other, and if there's serious disagreement - for example he wants kids, she doesn't - they think seriously about whether to marry. After the wedding, successful couples also talk regularly to check their expectations of married life. If those expectations clash, they keep communicating until they have understanding and agreement.

Secret 2: Successful Married Couples keep their individuality

However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple.

Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day-to-day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on - as though you have someone constantly clinging to your ankles.

Successful couples know that, however much love there is, marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to have 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.

Secret 3: Successful Married Couples keep each other centre stage

It's tempting, once married, to forget the little courtesies. When you were going out - and still trying - you remembered the little things, such as serving each other first, and remembered the big things like respectfully listening to each other.

Marriage can cause a sea of change and often you stop being courteous to each other, stop seeing each other as important and instead start putting other things - like work, hobbies or the children - first.

Successful couples always keep each other centre stage. They are interested in their partner's opinions. They take their partner seriously. They refer to their spouse in glowing terms when talking to other people. In short, they never take each other for granted and remember how lucky they are to be married.

Secret 4: Successful Married Couples learn to resolve conflicts

American psychologist John Gottman did a 20-year study of married couples and concluded that the main element that separated success from failure was whether they could resolve conflicts or not.

The bottom line is that unless the two of you are clones or doormats, there'll be times when you disagree and times when these disagreements cause pain. Sure, you shouldn't put up with addiction, violence or abuse. But if your partner simply wants something different from you or does something differently from you, you must resolve that.

Successful couples keep communicating, whatever the bad feeling between them. They negotiate differences and disagreements so that they both end up getting a fair deal. They smile and support each other rather than nag and whinge. They accept that sometimes, loving is more important than winning.

Secret 5: Successful Married Couples keep the lust alive

On your wedding night, you may rip each other's knickers off - but to be honest, in the years that follow, desire's going to dip. Plus, nowadays, marriage often coincides with the ultimate passion killer, the birth of your first baby.

Successful couples know that to keep lust alive, you need to actively prioritize lovemaking and make time and taking space for it. You need to make sure you're constantly updating your knowledge of each other's sexual needs, finding new ways to please each other.

Successful couples stay affectionate. If there's a sexual drought, they ride it out by flirting, touching, hugging, kissing and being romantic.

Secret 6: Successful Married Couples grow with each other

The bottom line is that the person you marry won't be the person you're still married to in ten years' time. You'll both change - particularly at crunch points in your lives such as starting a family, losing a parent or facing the empty nest.

Successful couples know that one or both partners will shift in personality at these times. It can feel as if the rules have changed; what it means is that you need to change in order to keep up with the changing relationship.

Successful couples anticipate shifts and ride with them. Rather than demanding they both stay the same forever, they welcome the natural developments of personality and partnership that happen with time.

Secret 7: Successful Married Couples keep working at it

The fact that you're married can make you rest on your laurels - as the years pass, you may feel that nothing can harm your bond.

But beware! Time and a false sense of security can erode even the strongest love. So successful couples take rain checks and keep having regular 'where are we at' conversations to make sure that they're both happy with the way things are going.

If one or both of you is discontented, then fix the problem. And don't fight shy of getting professional help. Successful couples don't wait until the divorce papers are signed before seeing a counselor - they troubleshoot at the earliest possible moment.