Is it
nearly impossible for you to say "no" to a person without feeling
guilty, no matter how unreasonable the request may be? If you can almost never
say "no" to a person -- whether it's your boss or significant other
-- without feeling terrible afterwards, then you have a hard time prioritizing
your needs over the needs of others. You should say "yes" when you
feel that the task is manageable, when it's within your responsibility to do
it, or even when you owe a favor to a friend. But if you're always saying
"yes" because you're afraid of saying "no," then it's time
to take action and take your life into your own hands without feeling guilty.
If you want to know how, just follow these steps.
Acknowledge that you can't do
everything.
Your problem with saying
"yes" to everyone may have already left you trapped with almost no
time to yourself. You may have said "yes" to helping your friend run
her bake sale, "yes" to helping your boss manage a new project and
"yes" to helping your significant other paint his apartment. You can
avoid this situation in the future by beginning to say "no."
Whether you can't do everything
because you've said "yes" to so many people, or because of all of the
commitments of your busy life, tell yourself that it's impossible for you to
say "yes" when you don't feel right about it.
Tell yourself that you're not being
selfish.
One of the big reasons that people
can't say no without feeling guilty is because they feel that they're being
selfish for turning down people who need their help, therefore making more time
for themselves. But if you're selfish, then you're always looking out for
yourself only and would never feel guilty about saying "no" to
someone.
·
Tell yourself that you're not being
selfish, and that if that person thinks you're selfish for not doing something
unreasonable, then that's not a person you should want to associate with.
·
Think of all of the times that you
have said "yes" to people in the past -- what's selfish about that?
Know that you can't please everyone.
Acknowledge that it's impossible to
please every person in your life and that you have to draw the line somewhere.
You may feel that you will disappoint a person if you say "no," and
will thus lose his respect, but you may find that the opposite is true. If
someone thinks you'll say "yes" to everything, then he will actually
be more likely to take advantage of you and to ask you to do too many favors.
·
You can please the people you really
care about some of the time, but it's not possible to please every person every
time -- and maintain your sanity.
Think of all of the things you're
saying "yes" to when you say "no."
You don't have to look at saying
"no" as a negative thing. If you're saying "no" to doing
more work, you're saying "yes" to a variety of things that will
benefit your life. If you think of all of the things that will be better off
from you saying "no," you will feel less guilty. Here are a few of
them:
- You're saying "yes" to spending more quality time with your friends, loved ones, and family instead of doing something you don't want to do.
- You're saying "yes" to maintaining your sanity, to having some "me time," and for making time for the hobbies and interests that matter to you.
- You're saying "yes" to living a more relaxed, evenly-paced life that is centered around the things that having meaning for you, not for someone else.
- You're saying "yes" to having a reasonable workload instead of burying yourself in hours of extra work because you couldn't turn someone down.
Understand why you have a hard time
saying no.
Is it because you don't want the
person to stop talking to you? Is it because you don't want it to look like you
don't care about the person? Being aware of what makes it so hard for you to
turn a person down can make it easier for you to be more rational about the
situation.
·
If you're afraid to ever say no
because you're worried that the person will stop caring about you, then you are
in a problematic relationship and should try to get out immediately.
Understand the different tactics
people use to get you to say "yes."
If you can recognize the different
methods that people may use to manipulate you and get you to say
"yes" when you want to say "no," then it'll be easier for
you to say "no" because you'll know that the person is just trying to
control you in some way. Here are some tactics to look out for.
·
Bullying: The bully keeps insisting that you
do the thing he wants you to do, and is even mean or aggressive in the process.
You can turn the bully down by keeping your cool and not reacting to his
aggressive tone.
·
Whining: The whiner can keep complaining
about how hard something is until you break down and agree to help without even
being asked. Instead, either change the subject, avoid contact with that person
for a little while, or just say that you're sorry that the person is having
such a hard time without agreeing to help.
·
Guilting: Some people will try to make you
feel guilty by telling you that you never help or that you never
come through in a pinch. Calmly remind the person of the times that you have
helped, and deny the request. This time will be different.
·
Complementing: The complementer may start by
telling you how amazing you are at something, or how smart you are, and then
will ask you for help with a certain task. Don't fall prey to flattery and
agree to do something just because you're being praised.
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