Lessons from the father of a murder
victim
By
Professor George Kohlrieser -
Imagine
what your life would be like if someone murdered one of your immediate family
members. What if it was your son or daughter? Think about the anger and
bitterness you would feel towards that person. Surely it would consume both
your personal and professional life. Would you ever be able to move on?
Hopefully,
none of you reading this have endured such a tragedy. But surely all of us have
dealt with profound feelings of betrayal, injustice and loss of an important
expectation whether on the job or at home. Do you let such occurrences consume
you or hold you hostage? Or are you able to go through the recovery and
grieving process so that you defeat and overcome the adversity as quickly as
possible, not vice versa? No person better personifies this than Azim Khamisa,
a former investment banker who tragically lost his only son to gang violence.
His story epitomizes how one can learn to forgive and to ultimately find peace
again in all areas of life.
Azim
Khamisa’s story
On January 21, 1995, Azim Khamisa’s
20-year old son Tariq was shot and killed by four youth gang members. Fourteen
year old Tony Hicks pointed a gun and with a single shot took the life of Tariq
Khamisa because he had refused to deliver a pizza without first being paid. It
was a long process, but ultimately Azim Khamisa chose not seek revenge over the
loss of his son. Instead Azim chose forgiveness and peace. “I took a different
response to this tragedy,” stated Azim to an audience of participants during
IMD’s High Performance Leadership program. “I saw Tariq was a victim of the 14
year old, and I saw the 14 year old as a victim of society. Both were victims
at opposite ends of a gun.”
Azim
shares that as a member of society, he too felt responsible for the bullet that
took the life of his son. Even more stunning, he then reached out to Tony’s
grandfather, Ples Felix, who had custody of Tony at the time of the murder,
with a hand of compassion and forgiveness. Together the two men from two
completely different backgrounds founded the Tariq Khamisa Foundation that is
helping to bring attention to teen violence worldwide and is teaching peace and
forgiveness as a means to conflict resolution. Azim has spoken with Tony on
multiple occasions and upon his release from prison, Tony will have a job
awaiting him at the Foundation.
Azim
was able to forgive Tony in order to move through the grieving process and
ultimately find joy again. He states: “Forgiveness is something you do for
yourself. If I did not forgive Tony I would be very angry at him and if I am
angry who does it hurt? Myself.”
How does forgiveness relate to high
performance business leadership?
How does this connect to your daily
professional activities? We rarely speak about forgiveness in an organizational
or professional context. However, to understand effective high performing
leadership you have to be cognizant of the many people in organizations
suffering emotional pain inflicted by others for whatever reasons and to
various degrees. There are many types of losses of trust in which people do not
let go, but rather hold onto resentment. How do you deal with unwarranted
criticism and backstabbing attempts on the job? How do you overcome betrayal,
jealousy, rejection, disrespect, disappointments and the long list of possible
negative work-related experiences.
In
addition, how do you deal with disappointments and letdowns in your personal
life? As work and home are interconnected, it should come as no surprise that
most individuals satisfied in their personal life perform better on the job. On
the other hand, major upheaval in one’s personal life often leads to a sense of
dissatisfaction and underperformance at work.
Effective
leaders must be at peace with themselves and the events in their life past and
present. Everyone, especially leaders, must make attachments, create bonds and
go through separations and grief to recovery and return to the full joy of work
and of life. You can deny it or you can deal with it. There are eight stages of
grief: denial; protest and anger; sadness, missing or longing; fear about what
will happen next; mental and emotional acceptance; forming new attachments or
renewing a bond; forgiveness; and finally finding full gratitude and joy again.
Of
these eight, forgiveness can be one of the hardest and at the same time the
deepest healing experiences. Forgiveness means to literally be able to give
again. In other words, it means that we use our energy to be able to “give for”
and to go back out to others. People who are not able to forgive tend to become
victims or persecutors. They are unhappy, cynical, negative, over defensive and
they suffer. In effect they become “hostages” or “take others hostage”. The
victim and the victim-turned persecutor tend not to be able to experience real
joy, genuine love or full gratitude. If you look at the cycle of grieving, you
will see that forgiveness is the fundamental stage to experience gratitude and
the joy of life again.
If
Azim could forgive someone for the murder of his only son, surely all of us too
can work towards resolving conflicts and overcome adversities to unleash in
ourselves the energy and power to lead more effectively. As a result of his
actions, Azim has been recognized with a number of prominent awards, including
The Search for Common Ground International Award (acknowledged alongside
Desmond Tutu and Ted Koppel) and the National Crime Victims Special Community
Service Award presented by former US President Bill Clinton and former Attorney
General Janet Reno. Perhaps you may never gain such high-profile recognition
but surely, like Azim, you can use the power of forgiveness to reach new
heights as a leader and at the same time be a model for others to learn this
very important emotional intelligence skill for themselves.
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