The
previous time my training in Malaysia was over, I was actually very demoralized
and helpless. Within a short span of two weeks, I saw music, and I saw myself.
And I felt that I was a far cry away from what I think a singer should be. No
matter how hard I try, I will only be a newbie who will be a disrespect to the
music industry. I do not want to be like that, I totally do not want to be! But
the more I do not want to, the more frustrated I am, because I have indeed seen
that distance!
With
a heavy heart, I flew to Shanghai, along with tools so that I can train on my
own.
Actually
I really don’t know what to do, because I already have too much negative
emotions and stress towards this thing called “learning music”. So when I look
at the bagful of “notes”, I could only frown.
At
the very moment when my rational side entered the peak of its battle, my heart
suddenly said quietly: “Let’s just give up.”
And
so I threw all the notes into a corner. For one whole week, which is also half
of the time I was in Shanghai, I did not touch music. I allowed myself to be in
the mode of given up, because I couldn’t force myself anymore.
But
then, a miracle actually happened.
One
fine day, my heart suddenly said: “Have we rested enough?”
That
was about the eighth day.
I
nodded gently and walked towards the pile of notes. However the moment I picked
them up, I still frowned, and still felt frustrated. And then I told myself in
a natural manner: “Let’s just play by ourselves!”
So
I went to the toilet quietly, turned on my cell phone and looked up songs that
I liked the most in the past. I used a method that was my most favourite,
without any baggage, without any techniques, and sang the whole night…
From
the day onwards, I knew that I like singing. But I was scared. I also knew that
I like music, but I had never given myself a chance to enjoy it. And so I
changed a few methods, and managed to fulfill my trainer’s request for my
training foundation.
I
downloaded piano music which is what I love to listen the most, and trained my
pitch by humming the notes. I also downloaded hip-hop dance music and K-pop
which I enjoy listening to, and trained my rhythmic sense by hitting on my
thighs. I started to enjoy and appreciate the way each male singer sings. I
listened intently, moved along, I will smile, I will praise, I will give
respect…
I
start to be grateful, and enjoy the field that I will be entering into next. A
beautiful field that naturally influences and moves a person, but which has
been walled of by me all these while.
With
this mood, I went back to Malaysia. And I realised my world is now totally
different.
I
start to naturally take note of music, take note of the song. When I hear the
radio playing a song that piques my curiosity, I will even tell others to stop
talking, and turn up the volume, and discuss the song with others after
listening to it.
My
conversational topics are mostly music-related. About concerts, about
music-related stories, about the characteristics of a singer. The colleagues in
HaiDie will even bring along DVDs of concerts for me watch, and share music
with me.
During
classes, I start to express my true emotions, and not just try hard to fulfill
the trainer’s requests. I will yell: “Wow yo! This is so frustrating! Why is it
that I am not having enough breathe?” “I can’t reach that tone!” “Teacher, I am
out of breath and feel giddy now, wait a while, walao-eh, my face is all numb
now. Let’s just chat…”
Because
I learnt how to relax, because of sincerity, I know now how to receive and
digest music. I know how to force myself to train, and know when I should stop.
Suddenly I have confidence in myself, even if I am not able to attain what I
think a singer should be, so what? Even if the end results ain’t that pretty,
so what? After all I am now able to enjoy and appreciate music sincerely just
like how the other singers can. What I lack now is just time and experience.
I
am now very happy everyday. I believe that the friends around me can sense it
as well. Because of the torturous two weeks, I have been enlightened. Not only
about music, but about life. A lot of things, if you let your heart decide,
miracles will happen. Though sometimes what it says is very ridiculous and
doesn’t make sense, but later on you will realise, that is the decision that
you are able to make and can really make at that moment!
Initially,
my aim is to be a “singer”, and this aim was a distance away. So along the
journey, whether there were pretty flowers for me to admire, or whether there
were stranded sheep waiting for me to rescue, I was only focusing on that aim,
and just kept going, and going, and going, with all my might…
“My
eyes only focused on the aim, but what about the process? Is the process not
important?”
“In
this whole process, the only thing I cared about, seemed to be myself only.”
I
know this feeling, Lan Tian Wei knows this feeling as well. He met An Zhen, and
he found out what is true love. I met HaiDie, and I found out what is a
beautiful melody. Though our aims are different, but we both used out heart to
make the decision
.
4
years later, what will Lan Tian Wei do, you can watch The Fierce Wife. And how
will Chris Wang turn out to be after half a year, I think, you can only just
listen to his album.
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