If you’re a living, breathing human being,
chances are you’ve been hurt at some point in your life. Maybe someone broke
your heart, crushed your dreams, or led you down the wrong path. Even worse,
you might have experienced a brutal tragedy, like rape, war, or abuse.
Regardless of what hurt you, a single fact
remains: If you carry resentment in your heart, you are continuing the cycle.
When I was seven years old, my parents
separated. I remember coming home from school to find my mom crying in the
kitchen. My aunt told me that my dad wasn’t coming home. Ever. At first, I saw
my dad on the odd weekend. But soon, his presence faded into the background,
and before I knew it, we hadn’t spoken in almost twenty years.
My mom remarried, but my stepfather
brought demons from his past into our relationship. He’d been shot in the face
at the age of twenty-two—a wound that left him completely blind. At times, he
was downright mean to me, calling me names and criticizing everything I
did—from the way I walked to the way I closed the kitchen cupboards.
The hurt and betrayal that I felt toward
male authority figures provided the perfect backdrop for my teen angst, which
morphed into several years of early adulthood drama. I carried my hurt around
like a badge of honor—often using it to excuse my behavior. As a teen, I yelled
at my mom and stepfather, was brought home (drunk) by the police, and ran away
from home. As a young adult, my desperation for male approval led me into a string
of dysfunctional relationships. By carrying hurt in my heart, I ended up
breaking other people’s hearts, too.
By age twenty, my self-esteem was in the
tank. And in a last ditch attempt to bury my feelings, I ended up on
antidepressants.
I found comfort in my hurt. It gave me a
label. A reason for my erratic behavior.
“Look at everything I’ve been through!” My
badge of hurt and hatred screamed.
I was one of those girls. You know, the
ones with “daddy issues.”
I spent six years in therapy, telling my
daddy stories over and over again. I popped Paxil every day, hoping the issues
would disappear.
But they didn’t.
After
a lot of self-reflection and personal work, I realized that what was done was
done. I couldn’t change the past. But I could change my future. My years spent
in therapy, coupled with my work with mentors like Gabrielle Bernstein, made me
realize that nothing was going to change until I forgave the men in my life.
This was a long and difficult process—a process that I’m still going through
today. It didn’t happen overnight, but even the tiniest shift toward
forgiveness has brought miraculous results.
Here are a few things that helped me
forgive:
1.
Find inspiration in others’ forgiveness
Ironically, my stepfather provided me with
the perfect example of the power of forgiveness. After being shot, my stepdad
forgave the man who left him permanently blind. He literally hugged his shooter
and told him he forgave him. This taught me from a very young age that
forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person; it’s a gift that you give
yourself because it sets you free from things like resentment and anger. I
realized that if other people could find it in their hearts to forgive such
horrendous things, then surely I could find forgiveness in my heart, too.
2. Try
to see all sides of the story
Often, we think that by having compassion
for someone, we are excusing his/her behavior. This isn’t true. Compassion
provides us with a lens that helps us understand—not excuse—people’s actions.
Over time, I started to have compassion for my father and stepfather. Both men
had had less than ideal childhoods themselves. They were doing the best they
could with what they had. This doesn’t mean that what they did was right, but
it helped soften my heart toward them and facilitate the forgiveness process.
3. Get
help
If you’ve been through something
difficult, it’s crucial that you process and experience your emotions, instead
of pushing them down. Start seeing a therapist. If you don’t like your therapist,
try a new one. I’ve been to all sorts of counselors, psychologists,
psychiatrists, and everything in between. Each person helped me in a unique way
and led me to where I am today.
4. Cut
the cord
Feelings of resentment and hurt often
cause us to create negative energetic ties (or cords) with others. Gabby
Bernstein offers a fantastic cord cutting meditation that can help you release
these negative energetic attachments.
5. Let
go of blame
At one point or another, we all need to
take responsibility for our own behavior.
As J.K. Rowling once said: “There is an
expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction;
the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.”
6.
Push past the fear
My stepfather passed away over five years
ago. Two weeks before he died, I had a chance to visit him to talk about some
lingering issues between us. But I was too scared. After he died, I felt an
immense amount of guilt about not sharing my feelings with him. I promised
myself that I would never make the same mistake again. So, when my biological
father contacted me a few years later to say that he wanted to pay me a visit,
I agreed, even though I was scared. We’ve now visited a few times, and my
forgiveness has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. In fact, a few weeks
ago, I met up with my dad and my half sister for coffee.
The moral of my story is that forgiveness
can create miracles. It might not happen overnight, but when you commit to
forgiving others, you free up a ton of energy that you can put to better use. I
realize that this process might be extremely difficult, especially if you’ve
been through an unthinkable tragedy. But it is possible to forgive the
unthinkable. Just take it one step at a time.
Remember that forgiveness is a process,
not a finite event. Let go of your badge, label, and story. The past doesn’t
define you, and the future is waiting with open arms.
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