Don't leave the success of your
marriage to fate; read Susan Quilliam's wise words on getting the balance right
once and for all?
However happy you are before the
ceremony, there's something about getting married that can rock the boat. Most
couples wobble on honeymoon. Many find that once back home, things aren't going
as well as they did before the ceremony. A staggering one in two marriages are
also set to fail.
So
whether you're a blushing bride or forty years down the road, how can you make
your marriage work? The answer is to look at what effective couples do and
apply their secrets to your relationship.
Secret
1: Successful Married Couples get their deal straight
Marriage is different from living
together. It's not necessarily better, but it's different. Both of you will
have different expectations of a 'spouse' than of a 'partner' - often basing
those expectations on what you saw of your parents' married life. For example,
you may have been happy for your man to live the student life before the
wedding, but afterwards, you expect him to draw a regular salary.
Successful
couples talk deeply before the wedding about their expectations of each other,
and if there's serious disagreement - for example he wants kids, she doesn't -
they think seriously about whether to marry. After the wedding, successful
couples also talk regularly to check their expectations of married life. If
those expectations clash, they keep communicating until they have understanding
and agreement.
Secret
2: Successful Married Couples keep their individuality
However independent you were before,
marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple.
Particularly
if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together
day-to-day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on - as
though you have someone constantly clinging to your ankles.
Successful
couples know that, however much love there is, marriage can bring this trapped
feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to
have 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings
individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.
Secret
3: Successful Married Couples keep each other centre stage
It's tempting, once married, to
forget the little courtesies. When you were going out - and still trying - you
remembered the little things, such as serving each other first, and remembered
the big things like respectfully listening to each other.
Marriage
can cause a sea of change and often you stop being courteous to each other,
stop seeing each other as important and instead start putting other things -
like work, hobbies or the children - first.
Successful
couples always keep each other centre stage. They are interested in their
partner's opinions. They take their partner seriously. They refer to their
spouse in glowing terms when talking to other people. In short, they never take
each other for granted and remember how lucky they are to be married.
Secret
4: Successful Married Couples learn to resolve conflicts
American psychologist John Gottman
did a 20-year study of married couples and concluded that the main element that
separated success from failure was whether they could resolve conflicts or not.
The
bottom line is that unless the two of you are clones or doormats, there'll be
times when you disagree and times when these disagreements cause pain. Sure,
you shouldn't put up with addiction, violence or abuse. But if your partner
simply wants something different from you or does something differently from
you, you must resolve that.
Successful
couples keep communicating, whatever the bad feeling between them. They
negotiate differences and disagreements so that they both end up getting a fair
deal. They smile and support each other rather than nag and whinge. They accept
that sometimes, loving is more important than winning.
Secret
5: Successful Married Couples keep the lust alive
On your wedding night, you may rip
each other's knickers off - but to be honest, in the years that follow,
desire's going to dip. Plus, nowadays, marriage often coincides with the
ultimate passion killer, the birth of your first baby.
Successful
couples know that to keep lust alive, you need to actively prioritize
lovemaking and make time and taking space for it. You need to make sure you're
constantly updating your knowledge of each other's sexual needs, finding new
ways to please each other.
Successful
couples stay affectionate. If there's a sexual drought, they ride it out by
flirting, touching, hugging, kissing and being romantic.
Secret
6: Successful Married Couples grow with each other
The bottom line is that the person
you marry won't be the person you're still married to in ten years' time.
You'll both change - particularly at crunch points in your lives such as
starting a family, losing a parent or facing the empty nest.
Successful
couples know that one or both partners will shift in personality at these
times. It can feel as if the rules have changed; what it means is that you need
to change in order to keep up with the changing relationship.
Successful
couples anticipate shifts and ride with them. Rather than demanding they both
stay the same forever, they welcome the natural developments of personality and
partnership that happen with time.
Secret
7: Successful Married Couples keep working at it
The fact that you're married can
make you rest on your laurels - as the years pass, you may feel that nothing
can harm your bond.
But
beware! Time and a false sense of security can erode even the strongest love.
So successful couples take rain checks and keep having regular 'where are we
at' conversations to make sure that they're both happy with the way things are
going.
If
one or both of you is discontented, then fix the problem. And don't fight shy
of getting professional help. Successful couples don't wait until the divorce
papers are signed before seeing a counselor - they troubleshoot at the earliest
possible moment.
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