While gossip isn't always a bad thing, it can
be incredibly harmful not only for you, but also others may be affected. It's good to
find ways to limit your own gossip tendencies, as well as not engaging with
gossip with other people. See part one to get started dealing with gossip, both
from yourself and part two from others.
part one
Keeping yourself from Gossiping
Not
all gossip is necessarily bad, so you don't need to completely eradicate it
from your life. You should, however, learn to differentiate between harmless
gossip and the kind of gossip that hurts people.
·
People who are spreading gossip (and
most people do at some time or another) don't spend a lot of time getting
facts. In fact, they have usually heard the information they're spreading
second or third hand.
·
There's also a difference between
blowing off steam about a person or incident with a trusted friend and spreading
toxic misinformation (or one-sided information) to a bunch of people. Unless
someone is dangerous (they're a rapist or an abuser or thief), you don't
usually need to air your conflicts.
·
For example: telling people that you
heard Harry from accounting was cheating on his wife is malicious gossip (even
if it is true, people don't need to know that). Now, if you are Harry's wife
and you find out that he is cheating on you, you can tell people (especially
people like family if they ask why you're getting divorced, or to clear it up
if Harry starts saying that he initiated the divorce because you were
cheating).
Human
beings are social creatures and gossip is part of the framework of society. It can
help to maintain social norms and keep people's worse instinct in check, if
they think people are paying attention to what they're doing. It can also be
used, however, to destroy reputations, and lift the gossiper's status at the
expense of other people.
·
Some questions to consider about your
information: Would I say this to their face? Is it harmful? is it substantiated
(can you support the gossip with actual facts, instead of just hearsay)? Am I
doing this to make myself feel better or raise my status? Is this something
that I've heard second or third-hand?
·
If you're gossiping because it puts
you at the center of attention, or boosts your ego, you need to stop. That's
where the harmful aspects of gossip come in. Imparting information is one thing
(example: "Did you hear that they're adding a new wing to the
library?" or "Did you hear that Christian was hospitalized? You
should send him a card.") but harmful gossip is another (example: "I
heard that Sandra slept with like all of Human Resources; it's why she's
getting a raise and we aren't.").
Sometimes
the reasons that you're spreading gossip about someone is because you're angry
about them or something they've done. Consider why what they're doing bothers
you so much. Sometimes, it's because you're guilty of the same practice
yourself.
·
For example: If you find yourself
constantly talking about how Jane is such a slut and is always attracting boys,
stop and ask yourself, what's the problem here? Is it because you're jealous of
the attention given to Jane? Does Jane even want such an interest? Even if Jane
does sleep with a variety of guys, what does that have to do with you?
·
You really want to get to the root of
the problem, especially if it is something that has been ongoing (especially if
you've been gossiping about the same person or situation over and over again).
Sometimes,
instead of just venting to every person you meet, you should figure out a
solution to the root problem. This may require talking to the person about whom
you're gossiping, but it can often foster a more healthy and trusting network
of relationships.
·
Sometimes what you have to do is
remove someone out of your life. For example, instead of talking about how rude
and inconsiderate your ex-girlfriend was (and still is), you stop engaging with
her, de-friend her on Facebook, and delete her out of your phone. This way,
instead of wasting energy talking to people about her, you move on to talking
about things that are more fun.
If you
can't help but talk about a certain person or a certain time limit, set
yourself a specific amount of time to talk about it. Once that time is up,
you're finished and you can focus your energies on something more positive.
·
Begin to start limiting yourself to
between 2 and 5 minutes for talking about this (per day if possible). Do not
give yourself the same amount of time for each person.
6 Ask
yourself before you talk about another person? Is it true? Is it necessary? Does it
need to be said? Does it need to be said right now?
Lusako Mwakiluma
Motivational & Inspirational Speaker
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